TEAR Principle: The Grieving Process
c 9-95 Jeanne M. Harper,
MPS, Alpha-Omega Venture, 906-864-2590, FAX 906-864-3058, E:
jmharper@cybrzn.com
W: www.lakeshore-counseling.com
447 First Street Menominee
MI 49858.
In the last
two issues, we discussed LONG TERM
DEATH: Patient and their Grieving
Family. Part One was about the patient
and their family during the Acute Season
of their illness and Part Two was about the patient and their family during the
Chronic and Terminal Seasons of their illness.
The "tasks" of grief during these seasons were discussed
. These "tasks" were initially
described by Havigshurst and later adapted by Wm.
Worden in GRIEF COUNSELING AND GRIEF THERAPY.
I renamed this as the "TEAR Principle" As
described before, the griever may go through the TEAR process repeatedly as
necessitated by various experiences or events throughout their life. In this issue we will continue to apply the
TEAR Principles:
• TESTING the Reality
• EXPERIENCING
the Pain
• ADJUSTING to the Environment
• REINVESTING Time and Energy in Life
to Dr.
Robert Fulton's (Minnesota Grief Institute) third type of grief--Survivor's:
PREPARATORY Grief: a person dying is PREPARING for their OWN
loss of life
ANTICIPATORY Grief: a person
ANTICIPATES the death of a loved one
SURVIVOR 'S Grief: a person
experiences the death of a loved one
Although we
may witness or experience the three types of grief, the greater percentage
KNOWINGLY witness or experience the SURVIVOR'S Grief.
For many
grievers, TESTING the reality that their loved one is dead, is their first
experience. They may repeatedly discuss
the death event. In a sense, they are
MAKING it REAL as they hear themselves talk of the death and dying event. They may question family and friends,
"Is it 'really' true? Did it
'really' happen?" They may wake
from sleep and ask where their loved one is...forcing family and friends to
repeat the fact their loved one is DEAD.
The word DEAD doesn't "seem" REAL to the grieving. HOW can it be? They JUST left the house! They were JUST here talking with them! HOW can this be? They are TESTING the REALITY and EXPERIENCING the PAIN as they question;
ADJUSTING to the ENVIRONMENT as they hear the response; and beginning to
REINVEST their time and energy on LIVING as they respond to what they hear.
If a family
went through a long-term illness, TESTING the reality was witnessed as the
loved one sought one or more doctor's diagnosis. The results of the tests were read over and
over...somehow making it SEEM more real and allowing them to experience the
"pain" of reading the words.
The loved one and the family may have MADE BELIEVE for awhile that the
illness wasn't happening. Denial IS a
way of experiencing pain--numbness.
Shortly thereafter the illness would make itself evident in their loved
one and once again, they would acknowledge, yet challenge the REALITY of the
diagnosis and prognosis, EXPERIENCE the
newness of the pain and slowly make ADJUSTments to
the treatment (s) and begin REINVESTING time and energy into HEALTH for the
present moment.
When I was
working on my undergrad degree in Thanatology (Study
of Death Education and Grief Counseling), a father of two children under eight,
unexpectedly lost his wife who was in her mid 30's. He called in response to an article in the
local paper regarding a workshop I presented for county teachers on "Death and Children". He wanted to know what he could do for his
children to make the death of their mother a memorable experience. In listening to his story, he repeated
shared how none had a chance to say "good-bye". I suggested they do just that--write a final
"good-bye" letter to their mother, telling her whatever they needed
to say.
His eight
year old had just begun to learn to write, so the father sat with her and
spelled out the words she wanted to write.
With the five year old, he had to write the words his son wanted his mom
to receive. When finished writing his
son's letter, the little boy asked "Aren't YOU going to write a letter
too, daddy?" So the father wrote
his own letter. Once the children knew
their letter was to be placed into the coffin with their mother, they requested
to put "special" things--prized possessions in as well! This activity became "a" way to
TEST the reality their mom was dead; begin to EXPERIENCE their pain and ADJUST
to their environment without their mom, all the time REINVESTING in life within
the safe and loving presence of their father.
NOTE: A good-bye letter frequently forces the family or friend to
deal with the reality of the death in a more personal--internal manner, thereby
experiencing the "pain" within and begin the process of adjusting and
reinvesting in life again.
The father
later shared how the letter writing had helped the children work through some
hard feelings, to say things that were "unthinkable" or
"unmentionable". He found the
activities enabled his children to begin their grief work and deal with the
reality of their mother's death, AS WELL AS providing HIM with a method to
begin HIS own grief work and a lifetime bonding experience with his children.
When an
uncle of mine in his late 50's died of lung cancer, his children felt an
"intense need" to carry out one last act of "love" for
him. The only son suggested he and his
sisters dig their father's grave! The
sisters finally agreed. As they dug, they
cried and laughed as they remembered their father and various events in their
family life. This "acting out"
of their feelings was an excellent tool for TESTING the REALITY of their
father's death and beginning their grief work.
The process of remembering and the physical act of digging the grave
allowed them to ACTUALIZE the loss AND their grief.
In a
different kind of situation, a woman in her early 50's was hospitalized for
testing because she was unable to have bowel movements. Whenever hospital staff visited her, she
would say, "My husband will be here today." However, he never came. Her tests showed no PHYSICAL reason for the
bowel impaction. A nurse on routine
checkup, found the patient crying. While
being comforted, the patient finally revealed to the nurse that her husband had
DIED of a sudden heart attack about a MONTH earlier! The patient had
INTERNALIZED her unwillingness to LET GO of him and deal with the reality of
his death. A day after the patient OWNED
her husband's death and the REALITY of her loss, she was INTESTINALLY back in "working
order"!!
These case
scenarios illustrate several ways survivors have responded to their pain. In cases of sudden death, such as the last
case presented, the grief may be at a higher level. If you have questions, feel free to contact
me, Jeanne M. Harper, MPS, BCETS, ALPHA-OMEGA
VENTURE, Tele: 906-8964-2590, FAX: 906-864-3058,
E: jmharper@cybrzn.com W:
www.lakeshore-counseling.com , 447
First Street - Menominee MI 49858.
"Plateaus of Acceptance: Pits of Pain" article by Jeanne M. Harper in CREATIVITY IN DEATH EDUCATION AND COUNSELING, Forum for Death Education and Counseling, 1983, page 91-104.
Clinical Director of Tri-County Business ‘n Industry Incident Response Team
1996-1998 ADEC Workplace Loss Special Interest Group Chair
Lakeshore Professional Counseling, Inc.
447 First Street
Menominee MI 49858
800-411-8832 or 906-864-2590 Ext. 103
Fax: 906-864-3058
www.lakeshore-counseling.com
jmharper@czo.net
lakeshore@czwireless.net