GRIEF
COMPONENTS:
SPIES+F 4th in Series: EMOTIONAL
Since 1977, I have
collected responses from grieving individuals and created a handout listing
their responses. The bereaved find the
listing comforting because common affects of grief are in categorical
order. This helps them realize the death
of their loved one affected ALL of who they were: social,
physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual and financial.
This is the fourth
of six articles in a series, last month we discussed INTELLECTUAL
components. This month we will explore EMOTIONAL components that
someone may endure throughout the mourning process. We hope you find this series helpful. If you have comments or additions, please
write us at
EMOTIONAL
COMPONENTS:
This component is
what most people understand as GRIEF.
Unless a person has experienced grief, they may not be aware of the
affects of the other components.
Emotional components can be overwhelming, this is when the variables
[discussed in an earlier article] can make an enormous difference in the
process. Emotional grief after a sudden
death looks quite different from the emotional grief after a long-term illness,
when there was time to prepare for the death--time for "doing or saying
things".
The most common
emotions people experience are
anger: can be directed or
misdirected at anyone. Find a new way or
use an old way of expressing the anger without it being expressed at
anyone: hit a pillow or punching bag,
exercise, write color or paint, talk it out.
One grieving spouse bought 5 cent dishes at rummage sales and then
whenever angry he died and left her, she smashed the old dishes against her
garage!
loneliness or
abandoned: even when with other
people. Feeling your loved one has left
you ALONE and abandoned, without love and support. Find people you can feel safe with (safe
enough to cry, be angry and real)--people who can love and support you. Force yourself out of the home. Do things with a way out--drive yourself so
you can leave when you need to. The only
way out of loneliness is to REACH OUT to others. This may take ALL the energy
you have. You can then be FILLED with new energy.
fear: for present and the future, for self or child
(ren), if there are any (no matter what their ages). Write your fears down
guilt: second guessing,
what if, should have, could have. Some
of this may be realistic guilt, some maybe unrealistic. Check out your guilt with professionals. Ask your questions to the medical profession
(rescue workers, emergency room nurses, medical doctor), law enforcement,
coroner, and any others till you get the information you need to deal
realistically with your guilt. I had one
widow whose husband had fallen during the night. She did not hear him fall. She traumatized herself into believing that
IF she had heard him, he would still be alive.
When she checked out her fear with the doctors and coroner. They assured her with his massive heart
attack, he was dead BEFORE he hit the floor.
Imagine her relief. She could
stop the emotional punishing and move on with her grief.
disbelief: not wanting the
death to be true, so doubting or denying (consciously or unconsciously). Who would want the death to be true. Therefore, grievers do whatever they need to
so they do not have to deal with the reality of their loved one being
dead. They tell me stories of setting
the table for the person, in hopes they will COME HOME; waiting at home
anxiously when their loved one would have normally come home (3:15, 5:15,
etc) Keeping so busy, they are exhausted
when time for bed and fall asleep without energy to think of the loved one
dead. Not doing things that would
finalize the death: cleaning out locker or desk at school or work, signing
papers, cleaning out clothes, looking at pictures, saying the words out loud. There are many ways to deny the death. The longer we do this, the longer the
pain. Facing pain is the only way to
work through the pain. Face it with
someone--ask a friend to support you through the realities of the death.
vulnerable: everyone is telling YOU what YOU NEED to do,
HAVE to do with clothes, house, money, insurance, taxes, will, trusts, social
security, etc. Pick two qualified
PROFESSIONALS and after hearing their recommendations, make up your own
mind. You have time. You have the rest of your life. You DO NOT
NEED to make up your mind NOW.
There are many other
emotions: feeling not loved, rollercoaster effect of all feelings, heightened
sensitivity, feeling rejected and alone, confused (we dealt with this in
INTELLECTUAL components), overwhelmed, stoic, relieved or at peace (discussed in VARIABLES article),
disjointed, not feeling good about yourself, doubting YOU, frozen feelings, not
wanting to go on living--especially in all the pain of grief.
In November we will
discuss the fifth component of grief, SPIRITUAL. Our faith and life experiences may affect our
grieving process. See you next month!
Clinical Director of Tri-County Business ‘n Industry Incident Response Team
1996-1998 ADEC Workplace Loss Special Interest Group Chair
Lakeshore Professional Counseling, Inc.
447 First Street
Menominee MI 49858
800-411-8832 or 906-864-2590 Ext. 103
Fax: 906-864-3058
www.lakeshore-counseling.com
jmharper@czo.net
lakeshore@czwireless.net
emotional.jmh