REASONS FOR FAILING TO
GRIEVE
By Jeanne M. Harper, MPS
Herein are a
few of the reasons individuals may fail to grieve. Avery Weisman began the discussion, William
Worden continued it in his book Grief Counseling- Grief Therapy
and Ken Doka, in his book Disenfranchised
Grief, expanded the understanding of why some survivors fail to grieve,
as well as exploring other life events that may bring about grief.
MOBILE
SOCIETY
Because we
live in a mobile society, your loved one may have died hundreds or thousands of
miles away from where you live and work.
As a result, neighbors or fellow employees may be unaware of the death
of your loved one, unless YOU tell them.
The fact
that no one in your immediate environment knows your loved one may bring about
a situation where you will be unable to talk of the death of your loved
one. Many have shared how when this
happens, they feel alone and lonely in their grief.
One person
shared that the only time she felt her grief over her father's death was when
she was within 20 miles of her parent's home (which was 250 miles away from her
home). She recognized that only then
could she feel and deal with the fact that dad was dead--that she was going to
walk into her parent's home and dad would not be in his chair. When she was at teaching at school, she was
busy and didn't think of his death. Work
allowed her to avoid her grief. Driving
to her parent's home helped her FEEL the grief.
Once she was aware of this, she drove home more frequently.
MORAL
ISSUES
Another
moral issue can be death by abortion.
The woman/man feels they cannot tell anyone of the abortion and the
grief can go inward and create a post-traumatic syndrome. The specifics surrounding the abortion will
complicate the grieving process.
One woman began
her grieving sixty years AFTER her abortion.
Her mother had died recently and she was finally free to deal with her
own inner anguish over the trauma of her youth.
As Haddon Robbins says in her book GRIEF, "Grief work
will be done, sooner or later, completely or incompletely, correctly or
incorrectly, creatively or distortedly...the grief work WILL BE DONE!"
PERSONALITY
TRAITS
Some people
just need to talk out their grief.
Others need to walk with it; be alone; work; write, paint or draw it out
of their inner soul. There is no right
or wrong way to grieve. You need to find
your own method of grief which can bring about inner peace with the death of
your loved one.
INAPPROPRIATE
DEATH
"Inappropriate deaths" according to
the survivors, are generally sudden and can cause failure to grieve: heart
attack at 30, cerebral hemorrhage at 12, SIDS death of a baby, auto
accident--death because seat belt wasn't on, heart failure during intercourse,
etc. These types of death create
havoc...they should not have happened.
People don't die from this---at this age.
Families
state that after a death of this type, they were "walking on egg
shells" whenever they discussed the death.
UNCERTAIN
DEATH
Soldiers
"Missing in Action (MIA's)"; drownings--no
body found; fires--burned beyond recognition, in a home, car, plane. The failure to grieve comes from the very
fact that there is no body...Nothing to bury...Nothing to PROVE your loved one
is dead.
These and other issues can bring about the failure to
grieve. You are responsible for your
grief work--be about it now--for now, during your first few days, months and
years after the death, is the time for grieving. Your grief work WILL BE DONE
SOONER OR LATER--it is your choice!
Clinical Director of Tri-County Business ‘n Industry Incident Response Team
1996-1998 ADEC Workplace Loss Special Interest Group Chair
Lakeshore Professional Counseling, Inc.
447 First Street
Menominee MI 49858
800-411-8832 or 906-864-2590 Ext. 103
Fax: 906-864-3058
www.lakeshore-counseling.com
jmharper@czo.net
lakeshore@czwireless.net